The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?