The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Lmfao
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The news is so predictable nowadays
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.