“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
OH. COME. ON.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti