The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
This could be us but you eatin’
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?