The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.