The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.