the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“I wouldn’t.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
This kid is a star!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My dog learned how to text
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming