The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
You Might Also Like
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
.. do you even science?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.