The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“


My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?


Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.


Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.


“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
TT: Bingo


Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.


I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.


Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…