The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.


Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.


If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving


My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.


Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.


This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁