The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one