@fillthevacuum

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

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@GuyThe_Guy

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

@Prof_BrianCocks

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

@HavocMantis

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

@chrisdelia

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

@lizzzzzielogan

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later