The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.


K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?


My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.


in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me


Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.


I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”


I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”


Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain


i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy


[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later