The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?