The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
bury ourselves
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Otters see a butterfly.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.