The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
BaD BoY!!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.