The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.