the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?