The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Mistakes were made
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
So many pants.
So little yoga.