The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
He wanted to make sure😂