The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*