The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”