Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

I have so many questions.