@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

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@RandomAntics

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

@BillDixonish

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

@jon_bois

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

@iwearaonesie

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

@ninatreemonkey

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

@Fred_Delicious

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

@sensual_dad

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@aaronasellars

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.