The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Go girl power!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.