The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
You Might Also Like
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
IT’S-A ME,
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.