The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.