The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital