The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.