@AnniemuMary
@mommajessiec If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
You Might Also Like
@mommajessiec 
@Be___Dope People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
@KyleMcDowell86 [Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
@OBiiieeee *i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
@XplodingUnicorn I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
@RichardDreyfuss You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
@DamonHunzeker If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
@primawesome Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
@AngryRaccoon2 “Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
@CandaceAmos Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”