The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”