@AnniemuMary

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

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@mommajessiec

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

@Be___Dope

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@RichardDreyfuss

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

@CandaceAmos

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”