The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks