The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Living the best life.. 😊
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*cough*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…