The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Traveler’s camo
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?