The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Who knew!
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
me when I see my crush