The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
i hate you platonically
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
This is why I hate group projects
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it