The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
This pepper has seen some shit
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien