Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner