The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.