The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering


If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist


VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.


My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?


[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.


8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”


*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner