@Stuccoman1

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

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@adult_mom

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

@KatieDeal99

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

@scot7a

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@CarolineCasey

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

@ElizaJaneAgain

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

@TheAlexNevil

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner