The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You have been warned.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet