The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
same bro
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.