The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
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Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.