The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
$4 #usedbooks
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.