The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them