@goodgrief_rats

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

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@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@10InchesPlus

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

@KattsDogma

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

@panmidwest

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

@SchmuckOnAHorse

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@IamPhartacus

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

@CatherineLMK

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.