The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Sorry. Not sorry
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.