The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
You Might Also Like
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
me adding lol on a serious message
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
😬
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.