The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
🙄😏😂🤣
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
emergency phone
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.