THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Pandas 🐼🖤
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
You can’t rush stupid.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums