The Weeknd is back
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Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
As the Lord intended
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine