@krystaunclear
@squirrel74wkgn If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@trumpetcake ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
@hellohappy_time Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
@Book_Krazy [Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
@Yankeegiant72 After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
@yenniwhite Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
@jimmytorosian “Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
@stacywawa1 The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
@trevso_electric Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
@MarfSalvador Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in