‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.