‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.