Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”