the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
*jingles half the way*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
bad news gang
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.