The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys