Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically