The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Every. Damn. Time.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths