I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*son playing ipod
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.