The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
the three branches of government
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan