@LABeachmom

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

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@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@str8upjuggahos

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

@Clanopath

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@GrantTanaka

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.