The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
plums roundup
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Every work call, he judges.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT